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What is considered sexual assault in a relationship

Sexual Abuse in Relationships

When many people hear the phrase sexual abuse, they imagine physical altercations such as domestic violence. They may also imagine sexual assault or rape committed by strangers. You may not realize that you can experience the crime of sexual abuse within a relationship, committed by your partner, under the official definition of this offense.

What Defines Sexual Abuse in a Relationship?

Sexual abuse in relationships refers to a pattern of behaviors used to manipulate, control or influence an intimate partner sexually to have power over that person. It may or may not involve physical abuse or other types of abuse. It can refer to any unwanted or nonconsensual sexual contact with you by your romantic or sexual partner.

If your partner pressures, coerces or forces you to perform a sexual act that you do not want to, this is sexual abuse. Just because you are in an intimate relationship with a person does not give him or her the right to abuse you sexually, physically or emotionally. Sexual abuse by your partner is still a crime and will still give you the right to file a lawsuit in California.

Examples and Warning Signs of Sexual Abuse in Relationships

Many different specific actions and behaviors can constitute sexual abuse within a relationship under California law. The official definition of sexual assault is found in California Penal Code Section 243.4. The legal definition is touching the intimate parts of another person against that person’s will, while he or she is unlawfully restrained, and for the purpose of sexual arousal, gratification or abuse.

Many victims find it difficult to apply the definition of sexual assault to their own intimate relationships. However, if you experience any of the following, you may be the victim of sexual assault or abuse by your partner:

  • Sexual abuse in conjunction with emotional, mental or physical abuse
  • Using fear, shame, guilt, threats, manipulation or intimidation to force you to have sex
  • Forcing you to dress in a sexual way
  • Using sex as a tool to exhibit power and/or control
  • Taking out anger or frustration with you during sex
  • Forcing you to have sex when you have not given your consent
  • Holding you down or restraining you during sex
  • Forcing or coercing you to do something you are not comfortable with
  • Demanding sex when you are tired, sick or injured
  • Ignoring your feelings when it comes to sex
  • Marital rape or drug-facilitated sexual assault

Regardless of age, sex, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity or relationship status, you may be the victim of sexual abuse in your relationship if you have experienced any of these examples or warning signs.

What To Do if You Are Experiencing Sexual Abuse in Your Relationship

No one should have to live with sexual abuse. If you have suffered sexual, physical, emotional, verbal, psychological or financial abuse by your partner, you have legal rights. Take certain steps to protect them, including:

  1. Confiding in a trusted friend or family member for assistance getting you safely out of the violent or abusive relationship.
  2. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) for professional help.
  3. If you can, document the incident by writing what happened down in as much detail as you can remember.
  4. If you wish to obtain a sexual assault forensic exam to collect your partner’s DNA for a criminal case – or if you have any physical injuries – go to a hospital immediately.
  5. Call a sexual abuse lawyer to discuss your civil rights. Your partner may be financially responsible for your related losses, including physical pain, emotional distress, lost wages and medical bills through a personal injury claim.

For a free, private consultation about sexual abuse in your relationship, please call (800) 700-8450 to speak to a Los Angeles sexual abuse attorney today. At Manly, Stewart & Finaldi, we hold all case reviews in the strictest of confidence. You will be under no obligation to hire us. We can help you identify sexual abuse by your partner, get answers to your legal questions and file a civil claim, if applicable. Contact us today.

Sexual violence most often is perpetrated by someone a survivor knows, and this includes intimate partner relationships. There are many different terms to refer to sexual violence that occurs within intimate partnerships, including: intimate partner sexual violence, domestic violence, intimate partner rape, marital rape, and spousal rape. No matter what term is used or how the relationship is defined, it is never okay to engage in sexual activity without someone’s consent.

Who does intimate partner sexual violence affect?

Intimate partner sexual violence can occur in all types of intimate relationships regardless of gender identities or sexual orientation. Intimate partner sexual violence is not defined by gender or sexuality, but by abusive behavior. Learn more about how sexual violence can affect LGBTQ survivors and additional challenges they may face.

How does intimate partner sexual violence relate to other kinds of abuse?

Sexual violence in a relationship is rarely an isolated incident. It often occurs alongside other forms of abusive behavior, including physical and emotional abuse. For instance, the majority of women who are physically assaulted by an intimate partner have been sexually assaulted by that same partner¹.

Intimate partner sexual violence often starts with controlling behavior that can escalate to further emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Warning Signs of abuse include a partner who:

  • Attempts to cut you off from friends and family

  • Is extremely jealous or upset if you spend time away from them

  • Insults you, puts you down, says that you can never do anything right

  • Tries to prevent you from attending work or school

  • Tries to prevent you from making decisions for yourself

  • Destroys your property, attempts to harm your pets

  • Threatens to harm your children or take them away from you

  • Tells you that you are worthless and that no one else could ever love you

  • Controls your finances

To learn more about dating and domestic violence, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.

Why should I reach out?

If you have experienced sexual assault by an intimate partner, it can be challenging to come forward for many reasons. You may be concerned for your safety or the safety of your children, worried about your financial situation or about what your family might think, still have strong feelings for your partner, or not feel like you can call what happened to you sexual assault. It’s understandable to feel this way.

Remember, ending an abusive relationship is not something that you have to do alone or on anyone else’s timeline. Reaching out for help from friends, loved ones, local organizations, or law enforcement can be a helpful first step in this process—when you are ready to take that step.

Help is available

You can find support from a confidential, non-judgmental source.

  • To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at y en Español a

  • Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) any time, 24/7, or chat online.

  • Learn more about safety planning to brainstorm ideas for safety or escape.

Read about these survivors’ experiences with intimate partner sexual violence:

  • Sharon’s Story: “The biggest thing for me was when I got to the point where I could let go of responsibility for my husband’s actions. I held myself accountable for a long time.”

  • Tarhata’s Story: “I believed this was a normal thing that happened in relationships. The environment I was raised in catered to what boys and men wanted. I was used to living in a cultural and social perspective of masculine dominance with women being quiet and obedient.”

  • Ethan’s Story: “I truly believe it is possible to call out and prioritize sexual violence against women while also acknowledging that sexual violence affects people of all genders.”

  • Tara’s Story: “You want to say something, but worry that when you do, it could come back worse. I think that’s why a lot of people don’t report. They think no one’s going to believe them and they’re afraid of what’s going to happen to them.”

  • Lacy’s Story: “No one understood what I was going through and what it was like in that relationship. But when we were apart, I realized how great it felt to be away from him—I really wanted that freedom.”

1. Taylor, L., & Gaskin-Laniyan, N. (2007). Sexual Assault in Abusive Relationships. NIJ Journal, (256). Retrieved from


Source: 123rf

Thanks to the #MeToo movement and the Harvey Weinstein case, in particular, we are finally getting some clarity on what actually defines “rape.”

Due to the Weinstein case, it has been clarified that a person can be legally charged with rape even if there is an existing relationship and even if there is an ongoing relationship. Key to this definition is the existence of the attacker holding a position of power over the victim, as it was in the Weinstein case.

But there is still a form of rape that remains a “hidden crime”—the sexual assault by an intimate partner. This is partly due to the fact that many women who experience marital or intimate partner sexual assault do not realize they have been raped.

Marital rape is defined as any unwanted sexual penetration (vaginal, anal, or oral) or contact with the genitals that is the result of actual or threatened physical force or when the woman is unable to give affirmative consent.

This includes: being held down while your partner physically forces himself or an object inside you, your partner tying you up or otherwise confining you (without your consent) so that he can have complete control over your body, your partner forcing your head down on his penis and repeatedly pushing your head up and down, and your partner putting you in a doggy position and forcing himself inside you or forcing an object inside you (without your consent and without lubrication). It also includes sexual exploitation involving sexual contact, such as when a husband coerces a wife to engage in sexual acts with someone else.

Intimate partner sexual assault is an assault that is committed by a current or past spouse or boyfriend. This includes cohabitating couples who are not married since the relevant relationship dynamics of long-term cohabiting couples are similar to those of legally married couples.

Forced intercourse within a marriage is often called “marital rape.” Like other forms of domestic violence, marital rape is about exerting power and control over one’s partner. Nearly 1 in 10 women has been raped by an intimate partner in her lifetime, including completed forced penetration, attempted forced penetration, or alcohol/drug-facilitated completed penetration. Surprisingly, rape by intimate partners is more common than stranger rape (Bachman & Saltzman, 1995; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Randall & Haskell, 1995).

Please note: Those in a same-sex relationship can also be victims of “marital rape.” This is true whether the victim is a male or female, whether the aggressor is a male or female. For the purpose of simplicity in this article, I will refer to the victim as a female and the aggressor as a male.

Marital Rape Is Illegal

Historically, marital or intimate partner rape was not considered a crime. In many countries, including the United States, rape was traditionally defined as forced sexual conduct with someone other than one’s wife. As a matter of law, rape could not occur within a marital relationship; the wife’s consent to the sexual conduct was presumed. In recent years, however, there has been marked progress in removing such marital exemptions from rape statutes (

As of 2011, at least 52 countries have explicitly made marital rape a criminal offense, and according to a 2006 report from the UN Secretary-General, at least 104 countries criminalize marital rape—if not under explicit marital rape statutes, then under general rape laws. Yet, despite the trend on the books, legal systems in many countries continue to reflect the belief that rape within a marriage is not rape.

Regardless of the extent to which marital rape is defined or recognized by law, in practice, it is rarely reported, prosecuted, or punished. Many women throughout the world do not know that marital rape is illegal, and even those who do are discouraged from reporting by norms and social stigmas. Law enforcement and prosecutors are often unwilling to respond to complaints, and when they do, the burden is placed on the victim to prove the act was illegal, which generally requires visible physical injuries since it’s difficult to prove lack of consent or resistance without them.

Why Marital Rape Is So Underreported

Rape is one of the most underreported crimes in the US (Bachman & Saltzman, 1995). Victims of marital rape are even less willing to report the crime than victims of stranger rape. A number of factors contribute to this underreporting:

  • Loyalty to husband/privacy of family. Women feel uncomfortable casting their husband in a negative light, and keeping the family secrets is typical in abusive relationships.
  • An unwillingness to accept their own victimization. It is emotionally painful to acknowledge that one has been betrayed by someone they depend upon for love and support. For many women who lack the economic resources, social support, or job skills that would enable them to leave the relationship, acknowledging rape by a partner would only add to an already painful situation.
  • Reluctance to label the experience “rape.” A common thread found in studies of wife rape is the women’s avoidance of the words “rape” or “sexual assault” when discussing experiences of forced sex with a husband or intimate partner. Many, who submit to sex out of fear, don’t consider themselves rape victims.

I met Mary Ann at a shelter for battered women. She had finally fled her husband after many years of being physically beaten by him. Although she freely talked about her various experiences of being physically abused by her husband, she had answered “no” when asked if she had ever been raped by him. Finally, several weeks after being in the shelter, she opened up about being sexually assaulted by her husband after another woman in the group shared her experiences. It turned out her husband had not only beaten her, but he had also demanded sex several times a day. If she did not comply, he would hit her, demean her verbally or throw her out of the house. He also forced her to have sex in front of their children.

When we talked to Mary Ann further, she revealed that the reason she had denied being sexually assaulted by her husband was because her husband had insisted that it was her duty to have sex with him. This had confused her and made her think his assaults weren’t actually rape.

In general, women tend to perceive themselves as being more responsible for and less harmed by forced sex when the offender is a husband/long-term partner rather than a stranger. And many women blame themselves for the attack, believing they provoked their husband in some way. Here’s a more comprehensive list of reasons why women don’t report marital rape or even understand that what has happened to them as rape:

1. Misunderstandings about a woman’s role in marriage and marital responsibilities. Like Mary Ann, many women believe it is their “wifely duty” to have sex with their husband whenever (and often, however) he wants. They believe they are obligated by their marriage vows to submit to all sexual acts, and therefore, these acts are not rape. Some women believe they are wrong or frigid for not wanting sex.

2. Sexual inexperience and uncertainty about what constitutes “normal” and “forced” sexual relations. Many women whose husbands sexually assault them haven’t had much experience with other sexual partners, or their sexual partners have also been abusive. Therefore, they believe that forced sex is normal—not “real rape.”

3. Religious and cultural influences. Culture and religion can have a profound influence on the decisions and actions abused women have to consider. For example, in Latino culture:

  • Women are often designated with the roles of “wife” and “mother.” It is socially unacceptable to be divorced, to marry more than once, or to remain single and have children out of wedlock. For these reasons, it may take some time, if ever, for a woman who is being raped by her husband to consider leaving him.
  • Catholicism is prevalent in Latino culture, and religious beliefs can contribute to women’s inability to escape any form of domestic violence. Latinas often accept their situations with resignation, believing their life is the way God wants it to be.
  • Inaccessibility to information and resources in their native language may prevent many Latinas from seeking appropriate services to aid them. For example, in Mexico, a law called “abandono de hogar” punishes women who leave their home, even to flee violence. Women convicted of “abandoning the home” often lost custody of their children. Some Mexican women who immigrate to the US erroneously believe that this law applies here.

The Damage Caused by Marital Rape

In general, lower penalties apply to marital rape than to stranger rape. This is based on the myth that because the husband and wife already have an intimate relationship, the act of forced intercourse is less traumatic for the victim. But current research dispels the myth that sexual assault in marriage is less traumatic than stranger rape. Family-violence researcher Kersti Yllo argues, for example: “The shock, terror, and betrayal of wife rape are often exacerbated rather than mitigated by the marital relationship.” And Raquel Kennedy Bergen’s research indicates that victims of marital rape appear to suffer particularly severe psychological consequences.

Marital rape can be just as dangerous as, if not more dangerous than, stranger rape. Marital rape often involves severe physical violence, threats of violence, and the use of weapons. Men who batter and rape are particularly dangerous men and are more likely to severely injure their wives and potentially even escalate the violence to murder than batterers who do not rape their wives. It is also important to point out that marital rapes can occur many times over many years (Russell, 1990).

Victims of marital rape describe a deep personal violation of trust. This is what my client Mona shared with me about her experience of marital rape: “If a stranger raped me it would feel very different—I wouldn’t take it so personally. He doesn’t know me and I don’t know him. But with my husband it becomes personal. I say to myself, ‘This person knows me intimately, he knows my feelings, he knows what raping me will do to me and he does it anyway. It’s such a shock, such a betrayal.’”

Another client, Veronica, told me this after being raped by her husband: “I was raped by a stranger when I was in my twenties and I managed to compartmentalize the experience—I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t blame myself, exactly. I just determined I would be more cautious in the future. I didn’t worry about it happening again. But I didn’t ever imagine my own husband would do this to me. After the first time he raped me, I was in a constant state of terror from that point on. I was always waiting for him to do it again and I couldn’t get over it.”

As David Finkelhor and Kersti Yllo note, a woman who is raped by a stranger lives with a memory of a horrible attack; a woman who is raped by her husband lives with her rapist.

Not only is there no evidence that victims of wife rape are less likely to experience the same consequences as victims of stranger rape, there is considerable evidence that the psychological consequences for wife rape victims are more severe. For example, studies have shown that suicidal ideation and nervous breakdown rates are higher among victims who had experienced complete rape when compared to victims of attempted rape—and sexual assaults between intimate partners are more likely to result in completed rape than assaults by strangers (Ullman & Siegel, 1993).

Researchers including Brown (1993) have found that PTSD is most likely to develop when traumatic events occur in an environment previously deemed safe. Living with a person who has sexually assaulted her, there is no place in which a woman may feel safe from future assaults.

According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), marital rape may result in more damage than stranger rape because victims are pressured to stay with their abusive partner, victims may have difficulty identifying the act as a crime or their partner as a criminal, there are potential negative impacts on children living in the home, and there is a higher likelihood of repeat assault.

Often, though not always, sexual assault by intimate partners is accompanied by other forms of domestic violence. Sexual assault is one of the abusive behaviors used by a batterer to establish and maintain power and control over his partner. According to Carol Adams, “Women are often raped as a continuation of beating, threatened with more violence if they fail to comply with their husband’s sexual requests, or forced to have sex to oblige the abuser’s need to ‘make up’ after a beating.” (Buchwald, et al, 1993).

And so we can see that for numerous reasons, marital rape can actually be more, not less, damaging to the victim than stranger rape.

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